The State of Humanity
We live in a totally broken world. Adam and Eve made a choice that has percolated down through the generations, cursing each of us, save Jesus Christ, with a sin nature that puts us at odds with God and with each other. Christ was the only person since Adam and Eve were created sinless who was free of the curse of sin, and He was crucified on the cross to make a bridge between sinful humanity and a holy God, for all who accept His free gift.
But be clear, His path to the cross was planned and executed by Jewish leaders who both rejected Him as the Messiah in spite of His works and who felt their position threatened by the people's acclaim for Jesus due to those same works.
The Roman soldiers mocked Him, beat and whipped Him savagely, nailed Him to a cross, gambled for His garments, and in the end trembled in fear as the darkness came and the earth shook before His death, and then at the tomb when He arose. And for all of that from the Romans and for all the plots against Him during His ministry on earth by the Jews, Jesus declared "Father forgive them for they know not what they do." [Luke 23:34]
There probably isn't a single adult in the world today who hasn't been wronged in some way, perhaps a few times, or perhaps an uncountable number of times. The same is also sadly true for many, many who are now children. All of us have gone through things that we should never have had to experience. The only difference between us is in the severity of the offense. But the pain is similar no matter how serious the offense was.
Sometimes, we did things that we should not have done to bring the offenses about. Sometimes, we are innocent. Usually, the truth that God sees is someplace in between. But the pain is still real, regardless of fault.
Why We Must Forgive
First and foremost, we are commanded to forgive. We are told to forgive as we pray to be forgiven [Matthew 6:12-15; Mark 11:25-26]. We are told that if we forgive those who trespass against us, God will forgive us of our trespasses against Him. If we don't forgive those who trespass against us, God won't forgive us of our trespasses. That, in and of itself, should be a sufficient reason to forgive.
The parable of the steward who was forgiven of a huge debt and then castigated someone who owed him a small sum is also a Biblical precedent for forgiveness, with the conclusion pointing to eternity [Matthew 18:23-35]. This immediately follows Peter asking Jesus how many times you should forgive a wrong. Peter was hoping for seven times, similar to the teaching of the time, but Jesus said you should forgive until 70 x 7 (490 for the math challenged) but the idea here is that you should forgive and go on forgiving without keeping count or score [Matthew 18:21-22; Luke 17:3-4].
Although this is primarily about forgiveness, the Sermon on the Mount talks at length about turning the other cheek, making sure that if you lose at a court of law in a civil matter that you overcompensate the winner for example.
What God asks of us isn't found in the human nature with which we are born. It goes against what the natural man wants when wronged and hurt. And in truth, it may take God's touch on your life to be able to truly forgive, particularly when you or people you love remain at risk or have been badly hurt. You need the Holy Spirit to help you achieve forgiveness. It isn't something you can usually do on your own.
If you asked the people of London during the blitz to forgive the Germans, you would have been laughed at. If you asked the people of Dresden, Hiroshima, Nagasaki, or Tokyo after fire bombs and atomic bombs were dropped to forgive the allies, you would have been laughed at. If you asked the relatives of those who were killed by Germans in concentration and extermination camps or those who survived to forgive, you'd be laughed at. The examples through history of monstrous atrocities are numerous, and this list barely scratches the surface. Lenin, Stalin, Pol Pot, and the various other examples of political or ethnic cleansing such as happened in Rwanda claimed many more. Bytes are cheap on the internet, but if all the things that had occurred were listed here, my disk space would be exhausted.
And yet, the number of people hurt in some way that history will rarely, if ever, record are even more numerous. Abuse, lies, cheating, infidelity, divorce, rape, incest, assault, being a victim of theft are a few examples and all leave a mark on your mind, spirit, soul and sometimes body. That mark or scar can be just as deep individually as those listed above for the person who received it. Many may try to make comparisons and say this or that is worse, but for the person who is hurt, the pain is just as deep.
So why do God and Jesus take such a hard position on forgiveness. First, forgiveness isn't the same as forgetting. Forgetting is only something that will happen with much elapsed time, and maybe not even then. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you don't learn from what happened and try to prevent something like that from happening to you again. It doesn't mean you don't talk to those you love and try to make sure they never put themselves in a position like you were in where they would be at risk. It doesn't mean that you don't try to strengthen yourself or to help you to become a better person, post trauma.
But the thing is, although you won't likely forget what has happened to you or those you love any time soon, forgiveness for us humans is more about freeing our heart from the pain it has received. War between nations is similar to problems at an individual level. After major conflicts come peace treaties. Sometimes the peace lasts and sometimes it doesn't. But we have to realize that even though we can't forget what nation A did to nation B, there were many inhabitants of both nations who didn't have any say in causing the war or carrying out the war. You may not forget if you lived through a war, but for the sake of the innocent, both parties need to try to forgive and get on with life. As the saying goes, and eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth just ends up with a bunch of blind people only able to eat soft things.
The reality is that after Adam and Eve sinned, God didn't abandon us to our fates as He could have. He set a plan in motion, prophesied right after the fall [Genesis 3:15], to resolve the sin issue that Adam and Eve had started. God saw that plan through all the way to Jesus Christ. Once the horrible price was paid by Jesus before and on the cross, Jesus asked the Father to forgive. Many have been through much in their lives, but I don't think that anyone can compare with emptying yourself of your divine attributes, being born as a human, living life and then being tortured and killed without cause. Nothing is worse than that. Sometimes what happens equals that, in that it ends in torture and death, but even in that case, none of us are sinless and undeserving like Jesus was.
Jesus gave so much, and He was aware that He was going to have to give that much, and He still went through with it. According to Matthew 26:53, He had twelve legions of angels standing by at His beck and call, ready to rescue Him and wipe out humanity, but He chose to follow His Father's will instead. Considering one angel wiped out an entire army and all the firstborn in Egypt, think what twelve legions could have done. He had the resources, opportunity, and human reason to not suffer and certainly didn't have to declare at the end "Father forgive them", but He did.
So when God says that we also need to forgive and that He'll measure His forgiveness of us according to how we have forgiven others, we need to pay attention.
As you seek to grow from what has happened to you, the road will be rocky without God's help. If you are full of bitterness, it is likely that as you try to tell others to protect them, the bitterness will be seen and they will not learn the lessons as well as if you have come to a place of peace in your heart.
In addition, the more you hold onto the anger, remorse, bitterness, hatred, and other negative feelings, the more it will affect you. People may not like people who are overly cheerful and peppy all the time. But people also don't like people who are unpleasant or morose. Learning from what has happened is important. But letting go and forgiving the person is likely to make you a person that people like being around and doing things with. Also, forgiving can open up your heart to new and hopefully better situations and relationships. If you are hung up on what has happened to you in the past, you will find it hard to move on in what could be better relationships or situations in the future.
The reality is that no matter how good a life we have tried to live, we have all fallen short of God's standards [Romans 3:23]. None of us are perfect. Sometimes our sins are small in man's eyes. Sometimes they are large. But all sin, big or small, cuts us off from God without the blood of Jesus. And no matter what we have done, when we ask God to forgive us, He does [1 John 1:9].
Eternity is forever. That's a hard concept to grasp for us mortals. Enoch and Elijah have a taste of it, but the rest of us really don't, especially once lifespans were shortened. Don't let your heart be hardened or stay hardened towards people who have wronged you. Forgive and try to forget. It's what He expects of us. And it is good for us as well.
Trust in God to Judge and Repay
Judging Is Up to God
God declared that vengeance was His and that He would repay [Romans 12:19]. When we've been hurt, we don't like that scripture very much. But the reality is that God is the only one who can fairly judge everything that has happened, so dealing with hurts can only be fairly done by Him. I know that it seems like some things should be an open and shut case, and I think that to God they are. But God is also one who gives second, third, and probably more than 490 (or at least I hope more than 490) chances.
When Rehoboam tried to take over from Solomon, ten tribes split off and formed the group called Israel. Judah and Benjamin stayed together under his kingship. King after king led Israel, and the Bible judges all of them as bad or evil kings. God had told Jeroboam, the first leader of the ten, that if he followed God's commands, his rule could be like that of David. Sadly, he didn't choose to follow God.
Those who ruled Judah were a mixed lot, some good and some bad. But decade after decade passed as God stayed patient and gave the people another chance. Finally, the nation of Israel went into captivity with the Assyrians and eighty three years later the nation of Judah began being deported into captivity to the Babylonians. There were at least three or four waves of deportations lasting probably a couple more decades before it was complete.
God gave them chance after chance, but eventually He judged. God gave Pharaoh many chances, but eventually He judged. And thank God He has given me many chances, and I hope there will be many more because I am a weak and imperfect man who seems to fail Him in some way, all too often.
This world we live in today has had many second chances after Jesus was crucified. God is still giving extra chances, but eventually the rapture will occur, and the tribulation period will begin. God does eventually judge. And you know what? When He does, He often gets blamed for judging in an extreme manner. We look at our short life spans, and He may have been putting off judgment for centuries or millennia. So when He does lower the boom, it's generally a louder bang than we are comfortable with, forgetting all the years of mercy and grace He extended first.
It is true that not everyone gets judged on earth. Sometimes they die before God judges them here. But the Great White Throne judgment awaits all sinful men and women who have ever lived in addition to whatever happens to them on earth. Without the blood of Jesus which you only receive by making the decision to accept it and allow Jesus to be Lord of your life, doing your best with the Holy Spirit's guidance and help to live a life of repentance, God's judgment will be final. If your name has been blotted out of the Lamb's book of life by sin, you will bow and acknowledge God, and then get cast into the lake of fire for an eternity. His path to salvation cost Him much, but is free to us.
Nobody escapes judgment in the end. But God expects us to allow Him to handle things on earth. Yes, we have a court system that functions to execute judgment, and gets it right once and a while. But we aren't to seek judgment on our own. Usually, if you seek to perform your own judgment, the criminal justice or civil justice systems seem to work then, even if they failed when you were the victim.
Where Does That Leave Us
Trust in God to repay as appropriate. Trust in God to protect you and your loved ones. His protection is real. A lady in Sunday School says her husband recounted a life experience when he was little when he was locked in his room while his father raged outside. All of a sudden an angel was present with him to let him know it would be all right. He saw the angel. We don't always see the angels, but if we are Christian, we can at the very least know that He is with us.
God isn't oblivious to our problems. I don't think that He is constantly observing everything, but He does get reports of things going on [Genesis 18:21 as an example with Sodom and Gomorrah]. But all too often, our human nature expects Him to act in a human way and quickly. We want Him to punish our oppressors, but of course give mercy to us whenever we do things that irritate Him. That attitude of ours is messed up and completely contradictory, but all too human.
God gives everyone many chances to correct the course of their lives and get in a right relationship with Him. If He didn't the world wouldn't have been around this long. If He takes someone out because they have wronged you or someone you love, they might not ever get that next chance they need to turn their lives around. If it were you, you'd want those extra chances, right?
And beyond that, He has a pretty fantastic ability to see the future. Look at all the prophecies in the Bible that have been fulfilled. Some in Daniel were long before their time of fulfillment and dealt with huge empires, and came true. I think that He can see the many futures of our lives as well, and judge which are most likely based on our history of executing free will. He does want the best for all of His people, but what He sees as best is likely to be based on His plans and not ours. His plans will usually take precedence over our plans, even if that means He doesn't do what we want Him to do in a particular situation.
If He didn't act as you thought He should (or act as fast as you thought He should) in your case, there are some things you must ask. First, are you a Christian, putting Jesus first in your life? There are many promises in the Bible, but the only unconditional promise He makes is to take away the sin of those who call on Jesus and accept the sacrifice He made to make reconciliation with God possible. All the other promises are conditional, even for Christians.
Remember that God also created us with free will. While He does sometimes intervene, I think He mostly lets that free will work itself out. Were you a Christian when you started down the road that led to trouble? Did you heed the Holy Spirit's warnings not to take the path you chose? I'm fully sure that it would be extremely rare for God to purposely lead a Christian into a life choice that would be harmful unless it is your job, such as a missionary or evangelist.
The majority of problems people have start because their free will made a choice that they either didn't consult God on in the first place, or didn't listen to the answer He gave because it wasn't what they wanted to hear. Have you sought the baptism in the Holy Spirit at all as a Christian to increase the closeness to God?
Second, if you didn't heed the initial warning from God, did you heed later warnings? God can talk to you directly, and He does. But He can also speak through the written word in the Bible and in Christian church settings. Did you put yourself in a place where God could easily speak with you or did you shut God out long ago? When was the last time you opened the Bible to read His word? All too often, people get into situations that they should never have been near because they stopped being close to God and taking time to speak with and hear from Him.
Third, did you seek out the advice of people you trust and truly listen to it? Did you talk with your parents, brothers, sisters, close friends? Did you listen to that advice or did you ignore it because... reasons. Did you seek out people close to God to ask, or did you ask people like you who would be more inclined to give advice that went along with your wishes
God and parents get a bad rap for always trying to suck the fun out of life, but mostly, the rules and advice God ans parents give is done to keep our kids from getting into bad situations in the first place. Most parents aren't out to hurt their kids. Those that are are truly outliers.
What About the Innocent
A frequent complaint that is levied against God is that He shouldn't let children suffer. And He does love little children, of that I'm certain. When non-family adults hurt kids, it is a tragic thing, and shouldn't be permitted. It also shouldn't be covered up. But free will is still a thing. I'm pretty sure God will have much to say to those who have covered up what has been done to many children by His people.
The only thing I would say is that adults (parents and those higher up the food chain in organizations, whether religious or secular) need to be Christian and need to be listening to God as well. Just because someone is in a church or denomination, even in positions of leadership, does not automatically mean they are both Christian and listening to God. It takes both to effectively govern. But people are broken and fail no matter their position.
Many times, parents send their kids off to church but don't get involved on their own or aren't Christian themselves and are just sending the kids off to be rid of them for a while. That doesn't excuse the religious or secular organizations, but there are lots of people who should be listening to God better and aren't when these things happen and go on for years. They worry about the reputation of the organization, and that is always wrong.
But the bottom line is that if there are problems with people in organizations or people in families who harm children, it is very likely that if a Christian was involved, the Holy Spirit tried to nudge that Christian out of danger. The Holy Spirit tried to nudge them not to pick that church or organization to send their kids to. The Holy Spirit tried to nudge that Christian to not hire that individual. The Holy Spirit tried to get that Christian to turn the individual over to the authorities instead of keeping them in the organization.
If that person chose to ignore God's nudging for whatever reason, their free will was at fault and not God, and not the organization as a whole. And if you weren't a Christian or weren't listening to God at all either at the time of the incident, or perhaps when the children were created in the first place, then again, that was your free will choice and not God's fault. To touch back on an earlier point, perhaps God needed a particular child to be born because God had great things planned for them. By keeping you where you were for the time you were, that particular child was born. He's done it before.
God is made aware of earth's problems. Christians do so by prayer all the time, but His angels (both good and bad) report to Him. And He keeps track of more than you think He does on His own. If you doubt the bad angels reporting, consider the start of the book of Job. God, by His nature, gives multiple chances, and that is a good thing, no matter how hard it is to accept in a particular situation. He gives multiple chances to the bad guys along with the good.
As hard as it is, let Him decide what to do. Try to protect yourself from further bad situations. Try to protect those you love. Accept Christ if you aren't a Christian. Try to change your ways and habits if they are leading to bad decisions. But don't take vengeance into your own hands. Let God judge. He knows all the facts and is impartial. A person who is hurt can never be.
Beyond Forgiveness
Go beyond forgiving and set aside time every day to pray for the person or persons who wronged you. This is particularly important when you can't be free of the person such as when dealing with shared child custody issues. Pray for God's protection on you and your loved ones. Pray that the one who wronged you will have their heart and nature changed to help keep your loved ones safe.
Become a better Christian yourself, and even if you don't rub off on the person who hurt you, maybe you'll rub off on your kids. They're more important than a grudge, anyway. And remember that the long arm of the law might not have worked in your favor before when you needed it to help you. But if you do something illegal to the person who wronged you, Murphy's Law, or someone's law, will probably cause the law to work to get you in trouble. No matter how bad the situation was, you can't help those who depend on you if you've been thrown in jail or made bankrupt in civil proceedings. Put your trust in God and listen to what He tells you.
And finally, although this is a bit off topic, make all decisions with a clear head, and try to have a clear head at all times and be around people with clear heads.Alcohol and drug use have done more to cause events or words that need forgiveness than most any other tangible thing. When your mind isn't clear or you're around someone whose mind isn't clear, words can be said that are wrong in the first place or taken wrong by the listener, leading to hurts that need forgiven. Let God judge. He knows the truth about every situation.
If it applies, clean up your own life from substance abuse (or any other type of abuse) for yourself. You'll be a better Christian. You'll be a better parent. You'll be a better employee. You'll be a better son or daughter, brother or sister. You'll be a better friend. And best of all, you'll be able to hear God better.
Forgiving Ourselves
There's another thing about forgiving that isn't talked about as much. That is the need to forgive ourselves. Whether you live a short or a long life, there will be times that you do something wrong toward someone else. Whether this is actual sin or just something society would frown upon really doesn't matter other than needing to deal with any sin issue with God first. Sometimes, as life goes on, you will be able to ask for forgiveness of them and patch things up. Sometimes, you can ask for forgiveness, and it will be rebuffed. Sometimes, something happens that makes it impossible to ask for forgiveness. Perhaps you were even part of the reason or all of the reason why it is impossible to ask for forgiveness.
Sometimes, a situation will happen that you think you need to ask for forgiveness about that you really don't if there is no sin issue. That's really the starting place you need to look at. Would a disinterested third party who knew all the facts about what happened even think that you did something that needed forgiveness of the other person? If the roles had been reversed, and you had been on the receiving end of whatever happened, would you have thought the person needed to ask for forgiveness.
In those situations, sometimes, we hold ourselves to an impossibly high standard, especially as time goes on and we think of how we could have handled something better or differently. But a good starting place is "Did I do the best that I possibly could, given the knowledge, strength, time, and resources that I had." If you can honestly tell yourself that you did the best that you possibly could, and the other person wouldn't have judged you or at least if the situation was reversed, you wouldn't have judged them, then truly let yourself off the hook and forgive yourself. If you've gotten stronger, faster, have better resources today or any other change, strip that off and remember what it was like then. Answer the question honestly as you knew life then.
To be clear, if you were in the wrong and the above doesn't apply, you should ask for forgiveness if you can. If it was something that you also need to ask God's forgiveness about, by all means do that first, and trust that His grace will forgive. He is always faithful, and Jesus paid the price once for all the sin that has ever been or ever will be committed by mankind. The price is paid. All you have to do is ask and He, at least, will forgive.
But after that, if you can't let yourself off the hook and be at peace without help, you need outside help. Don't discount talking to a professional about it. Continually judging yourself and living with guilt is a hard thing to bear. But you have to forgive yourself to move forward. And sometimes this is the hardest thing of all to do on our own. But don't discount God in the mix of help providers.
When asked for scripture about this situation, the first and foremost verses that come to mind are found in John 14-16. These were uttered between Christ and His disciples near the end of His time on Earth. In them, Jesus is preparing the disciples for His death, but He gives them some important promises.
If you love me, keep my commandments. And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him; but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. ... These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you. But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. ... Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you. ... These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
There were many reasons why the Holy Ghost was given to Christians. The baptism in the Holy Spirit first happened in fullness for believers in Christ in Acts 2. Christ also operated in the fullness of the Spirit baptism. Before that, the Holy Spirit only came on particular individuals, sometimes for particular times. But Jesus was true to His word and Jesus, and the Holy Spirit is now available to all Christians.
This isn't meant to be a doctrinal statement on all the Holy Spirit wants to do for us. But I'd like you to focus on some of what Christ included in His mission. First, He is called the Comforter by John, and it is only translated that way in the KJV at least, in John. Importantly, it is during this sermon He gave at the end of His ministry when the disciples are truly understanding that Jesus was God and is the Messiah that was promised, even if He wasn't doing everything they probably hoped the Messiah would do.
They were soon going to be in a position where they would need comfort, as Jesus was going to be killed and resurrected, but would be gone from them very soon. Jesus saw the battle ahead of Him. In the garden at Gethsemane, He prayed so hard that He broke capillaries and blood flowed. He was in a spiritual battle like no other. But He didn't let what was set before Him stop Him. He submitted to His Father's will [Matthew 26:42].
The battle wasn't just with Jesus though. When the temple guards came to take Him, Peter, good old Peter, took up his sword and smote one of the guards cutting off the guard's ear. Satan would have liked nothing more than to take out the closest people to Jesus at the same time he was planning to destroy Jesus. But Jesus defused the situation and healed the temple guard's ear, even knowing what lay ahead for Him [Matthew 26:50-56; Luke 22:50-51; John 18:10-11].
If you think that the disciples didn't spend some time wondering what they could have done differently to keep Jesus from going through what He did, I think you don't know human nature very well. Just because Jesus said to not fight doesn't mean Satan wouldn't have been giving them so many second thoughts. As they looked on at what happened to Jesus ... the scourging and whipping, the attacks by the soldiers beating His face, the crown of thorns, and eventually the crucifixion, anyone would break down [Isaiah 52:14; Matthew 27; Mark 15:15-20; John 19].
But Satan didn't get the victory and destroy the disciples until the church was firmly established. All but one were eventually martyred, but they planted the seeds of the church that is still standing after a couple of millennia. It isn't a perfect church, and perhaps never was as perfect as we'd like to believe - after all many of Paul's letters were correcting early problems. But it is still standing and God hasn't changed.
The Holy Spirit still wants to be your comforter, regardless of whatever circumstances have led to your needing to be forgiven. If you have put the issue to rest with God Himself, tried to put the issue to rest with the injured party, if possible, then God wants to let they Holy Spirit minister to your life and provide comfort and peace where there is now pain and torment.
Jesus even said that it was most important for the disciples that He leave. Of course a big part of the reason His leaving would be good is that it was going to bridge the gap between the Holy God and sinful man, for any who would choose Jesus and His sacrifice for their sin. But here, Jesus is referring to something that is equally important. As awesome as the ministry of Jesus was, while on Earth, He was limited to being in one place at one time. He had to take time to eat and rest. He had to take time to teach. There was time taken to move from place to place - sometimes with crowds with Him, sometimes with only a few disciples, and sometimes alone.
By leaving, and sending the Holy Spirit to fill any believer that would seek that baptism, Jesus was putting the power of God in the hands of Christians everywhere. That could be used as Jesus used it - by doing what He saw the Father doing. And part of that function of the Holy Spirit is to help you through the forgiveness process and give you peace.
You may never forget what has happened in your life that you think you need forgiveness for, but the Holy Spirit can help you walk through it, come to terms with it, and come out on the other side a whole person. I talk in other pages about why God doesn't answer all our prayers. You can look in James 4 for some of it and there are some standalone sections as well [The Olympics deals with choices that affect us, Can the Holy Spirit heal us? specifically on healing]. But the reality is God causes some of us to come through trials for a reason. God can turn even bad things that we have been involved with or done to good if we let the Holy Spirit guide us in how.
Maybe things happen so that we can be strong enough to handle something even worse later in our life. Perhaps things happen so that we can be there to support others who are going through or who have gone through terrible things in their own lives. Let the Holy Spirit be your guide. But if you are having trouble dealing with anything in your life, prayer and the baptism of the Holy Spirit are the first things to do and seek. Have faith, and don't give up. One of the big jobs of the Holy Spirit is to be a Comforter. It wasn't a mission to get the early church through the tribulation of Rome. It's part of who the Holy Spirit is. He wants to be our comforter today as well. But first, you need to seek His baptism. If you've been baptized in the Holy Spirit, then seek a continual daily new application to overflowing fullness. When you are all wound up in memories and pain, pray for the peace from God. Be like the widow and the judge if you need to [Luke 18:1-8 and note it ends by once again asking about faith].
Don't give up. Seek God's help in giving you peace after you have done all you can to ask for forgiveness. God does want us to be peacemakers whenever that is possible but don't forget that He is also the bringer of peace to us. If you have done all you can, seek God's peace every time Satan tries to tear you down or your own memories try to tear you apart. Have faith. God resurrected people from the dead, and that required a lot of brain repair. He's a great surgeon. Keep praying and have faith, and it doesn't hurt to remind yourself that you did the best you could and to let God and the Holy Spirit guide you from this point on.